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Have you ever wondered if you are really in love or if you are just repeating old patterns? Maybe you have been in a relationship for a while and the flame has burned out and wonder if you just fell out of love. In this episode you will discover the three elements of love that are critical for making a relationship last.  

  • Why we are physically attracted to some and not others
  • How we look for partners that match our inner psychological patterns and early life family imprints
  • How to find true, spiritual connection with your ideal partner
  • The real purpose of love and how to experience relationships beyond the ego

Episode Exercise: Love Assessment. Debra will lead you through a series of questions to assess your relationship life to see what elements of love are missing and how to begin to shift your mind to connect on a deeper level with the one for you.

In our Love+Purpose Facebook Group, Debra and Rob offer free micro-trainings, including one on how to master the art of love by learning how to access the Creative Mind. The reason you do not have the love or life you want isn’t because of any external circumstances or that something is wrong with you. You don’t need to date more or change your profile as much as look within yourself to see the REAL YOU. If you are someone who wants more in life and wants to make a difference in the world, you will be a part of a community of educated women who are on the same journey to love and purpose. By understanding yourself, you understand the world and the relationships around you. If you know who you are, the universe will know exactly the right person and career to match you up with.

Join us:

Take our 5-Day Inner Soulmate Challenge starting September 23rd! Simply visit our Facebook Group or Learn More about it here:

Episode Transcript: S1 | E10

Okay, welcome to the Creative Mind Living a podcast for people interested in personal growth based on the principles of Carl Jung, Neuroscience and Eastern Philosophies. We are your hosts, Debra and Robert Maldonado, the founders of Creative Mind Coaching.

Welcome back, Rob. How are you? Good. Thank you. Another great show. Today we’re talking about love. Ooh, my favorite. Everyone’s favorite topic, whether they admit it or not. Remember the people used to come up to us and say, I’m not interested in love. I’m not interested in a relationship like, why are you telling me that? So everyone’s interested in love. Whether you’re in the game, out of the game or thinking about the game, you want to be in it, you want to play. Yes. We’re breaking it down into three essential elements that we know have to be there in order for love to really work and to really communicate and connect at a spiritual level. I’m excited. It’s really how a lot of people asked me, is this love or is this my old pattern? Or is this confusion? Is this confusion, is this infatuation?

And we always ask ourselves, you know, that was that white snake that sang is this love that I’m feeling? I remember that song as like the eighties or nineties you’re dating yourself. I know, but it really is the burning question when you’re single or in your, in a relationship and you’re deciding whether you should stay or not. Even if you’ve been married for 20 years, am I really in love? Is this love? So let’s go into it. So what are the three elements? And then we’re going to break them down. So the first one is a physical level or physical element to it. There’s gotta be that chemistry, that connection, a physicality, right? The attraction element. The second one is mental or psychological. Emotional. There has to be a lack, a recognizing or a recognition of that other person in a deeper sense than just the physical aspects, right?

Because we see beautiful people and we’re attracted, but it’s not until we get to know their personality, you get to see their mind a little bit that gets to know them. You feel like that friendship or kinship with them. Yeah. And then there’s a third element, which is really indefinable ineffable, but that we can say it’s a spiritual connection. And when those three elements are, are all firing on a, on all cylinders, on all cylinders, uh, then you got to an incredible love experience. Do you think we have all three? I hope so. Uh, we’ll find out. We’ll find out, uh, if we can make it through this podcast without a fight.

Okay. So let’s talk about the physical and the, just to those of you who are new to our show. Our work is based on eastern philosophy but also young and psychology. And we talk a lot about the ego and the persona and then the deeper spiritual elements of ourselves. But on the physical level, we’re talking about the surface very surface of you don’t even speak to that person or you can have sex with someone without even feeling, um, any kind of mental connection. Not everyone does that, but some people do. And so there’s that infatuation. You see someone from afar, you kind of like the way they look, um, or you see someone, you know, in the social setting. And you’re attracted to them. That’s a physical type of attraction.

Yeah, it’s very biological because all animals have this, or human beings are no exception. We have a physical attraction to the opposite sex or to our opposite, a soul mate, a whatever form that takes. And e like you say, we don’t even have to know the person. We can just see them sometimes and we are projecting a lot of the stuff onto them. Right? We’re projecting our ideals, we’re projecting like a certain personality onto them and we think that person is perfect, but we’re only observing the physical aspect of their bodies. They’re very superficial part of their mask. Yes. Now we need this part. We’re not saying this is bad. We’re simply saying it’s not the complete a picture of love. Yeah. Let’s talk about it a little more before we go to the next level. Um, see physical. I think a lot of times we feel like we have a type that we’re attracted to that, oh, I like brunettes. I like tall guys. I like short people. We’ve had a couple of people say they want a certain type, they want to and a certain look. Um, they, you know, there’s so much when you see someone physically, that assumptions that you make about them. So if their hair is long, you may think that they’re probably not successful. If a guy is not successful and maybe they look like a Hippie, maybe they’re just kind of, um, not really motivated to succeed. And then you see someone with like the bankers haircut and you think, Ooh, this person has it all together. We make all those assumptions on the physical. But how many times are we, when we really get to know someone that surface just falls away? We, we tend to, um, sometimes they look good on paper and then we go out with them and then we talk to them and say, oh, there’s nothing underneath all this where they’re kind of bland or are there, they’re not my type in that way. And then we’re talking about the physical level that it needs to be there. But it’s also, we tend to kind of gravitate to the same type all the time.

Yeah. And, uh, the research, uh, shows that we tend to choose people that look like us in general. Obviously we always see those couples that look a completely different, right? Or they’re from different cultures and all that. But in general, the tendency is to see ourselves in that other person again, because we’re projecting a lot of stuff. Well, especially at the physical level, we’re saying, uh, this is my ideal partner.

Well, also too, I think a lot of the, I don’t know, I think men and women, we judge physical attraction as a way to measure our own attractiveness. So when we look at someone who’s not attractive, it’s almost like they’re going to bring our value down if we choose them. So we always want someone who we believe is on our level of attractiveness. Is that true? Or maybe a little above our attractiveness to bring us up. So that’s a very, again, very superficial way, but by default, we fall into these categories.

Right? W D there is that going on obviously, because genetically we were programmed to look for health cues in the partner. Mm. So, uh, we think we’re looking at at beautiful, uh, elements in the other person, but their health cues, if you think about what it, what do red cheeks mean, it means there’s good blood flow to the face and therefore it indicates health. What’s beautiful skin. It means the person is healthy, then they’re going to be able to reproduce and take care of our offspring.

What about symmetry to the symmetry in the face? Is there a way to judge attractiveness as well? I actually saw a research study about um, where they, people have familiarity has actually drawn uh, attractiveness. So they would have, they would pick pictures of people that lived in the area where they were, would have seen in the coffee shop or in the neighborhood and then mix them with those strangers. And then we’re more likely to pick the attractive people based on the, the fact that they have seen them before. So it, yeah, so it is interesting how we make all these judgements unconsciously on the physical level.

Right? And that makes sense because if you are familiar with somebody, that means they’re part of your tribe, your community. And then therefore they’re more likely to hang around. Whereas strangers or people that you’re just seeing for the first time a might not be there tomorrow and you might not know how to, what do we expect from them? And we make all these assumption if someone looks like us or feels like us, they probably live like us or have the same ideas as us. So that’s the physical and we definitely need it. And we definitely need physical touch. We need sexuality, we want to feel that, uh, well we want to like someone’s touch. Have you ever like been with someone on a date and they touched you and you’re just like, ah, it’s kind of slimy or sweaty palms or um, just kind of, you didn’t really like the sense of, of them touching, even holding your hand or putting their hand on your back or something. So touch is really important. There’s a lot that’s communicated through that physical touch. And when you’re close enough, smell is very important.

Even though imperceptively we’re not, you might not be aware of a person’s odor. We have a these little, uh, glands in our nose that can detect pheromones and those very subtle cues that we give office, uh, animals and even tone of voice. We’re drawn to atone, certainly contact the body language. And so there’s all this language going on between people that two we’re not aware of that plays into, uh, that physical attraction. And then when we get to know someone, the first thing we see as the physical, and then the next level is the mental level where, because we’ve all been with pretty pretty boys that aren’t really that smart and pretty girls that aren’t really not intellectually stimulating or, um, you know, and, and we feel they’re not really resonating on our level. We don’t have things in common with them. We can’t have a conversation with them.

I remember when I was dating, I would, uh, someone seemed really nice and interesting and attractive and then we’d get on the phone and it would be monotone. Nothing in common, no conversation. And so that’s really what we’re talking about, the mental level where we’re, we’re starting to really make a bond with someone on a deeper level, like a psychological level. Yeah. And that has a lot more to do with, um, the, the kind of psychology because it’s not something inherent in the other person. It’s more of a combination. So it’s like, that’s, that’s why people talk about chemistry because it’s more of the combination of your psychology, your emotional makeup and their emotional makeup and their psychology. And sometimes it fits like a puzzle piece. And sometimes it’s like, uh, no, no, no velcro at all. There’s nothing sticky there. So what I mean is it that person that you don’t find attractive or that there’s no connection to you might be a perfect match for somebody and therefore it’s not inherent in them and it’s not inherent to you?

It’s more the combination and the connection. And we tend to just like with physical attraction, what we’re conditioned to be attracted to physically. A lot of times, like you said, where it’s based on our patterns, the psychological patterns are even more, uh, hooked into how we, who we’re attracted to and why we’re attracted to people. So for me, I was always attracted to men like who or had the kind of the psychological makeup of my father, a little more emotionally distant, a little less affectionate, a little more quiet and not, um, you know, talkative and things like that, like my father and, uh, that mystery man. And when someone was really eager and wanting to talk to me, it was like, ah, not my type, but that’s from my conditioning. It’s not that that person did anything unattractive, it’s because that’s not, not what I felt my conditioning would be attracted to.

And so a lot of people think that I gotta find, I gotta be a certain way around the right person. So they’ll like me. And it really is not about that at all. It’s your patterns are going to be connecting you with you unconsciously with the other person. So just look at the physical level. It’s about attraction at the psychological, emotional level. It’s about attachment. Is there that emotional attachment to this person. And of course you hit the nail on the head because it goes back to our attachment patterns with our parents, especially with our mothers, but also our fathers, like you were saying as well. There’s a kind of imprint of how did we relate to our parents and especially to our mom and how we saw our parents relate to each other, taught us a lot about relationships, right? And we make all these assumptions going in to those things.

And it actually, it’s true that I feel like my mother really formed a lot of my assumptions about marriage more than my father did because I see myself as I would become my mother one day. If I was married, I would play her role. So the things that I felt that she didn’t have the independence that I had being single, I resisted the whole marriage thing. So we have, there’s a lot of that psychological, um, like you said, the imprints that we carry into a relationship on a mental level. So when we interact with people are we, we’re bringing those interactions to the relationship and also they’re bringing their patterns. So it’s a lot of times they react to us, not because of what we did, but because of their past. So we have to understand that we’re both making a lot of assumptions with each other when we meet and projecting a lot in a lot of it is unconscious. And then there’s genetics and epigenetics, which are, you know, kind of plays into our whole history of, uh, where we’re coming from, what kind of people down the line. And Oh, it’s an incredible process. I mean, I’m, I’m amazed that we’re able to get together at all given all of these things. But the tendency, the flow is of course to, uh, th that urge to merge. You know, we’re, thank God we have it. Yeah. We’re designed to connect with each other emotionally, uh, to bond and, uh, which takes us to the next level. And often people don’t think about the third level of love, uh, because it’s a spiritual element. Now, if you notice love songs and poetry and all that, they kind of hint at it. You know, if you read Rumi, it’s all about this spiritual experiences that he’s having, uh, through love, through the beloved. But once that infatuation phases over where you know that that attraction is a kind of gets into the commitment and people getting married and, and pairing up as couples, often that kind of fades away and, and people forget about the kind of what, what is it? What is the next level? What is this leading us do? What is the purpose of the love? Right? And before we get to that, we’re going to go to commercial and we’ll be right back. If you’re enjoying this conversation and do not want it to end, it doesn’t have to. You can join us on our Facebook fan page at creative bind method and continue the conversation, get tools, free visualizations, free downloads, and announcements of live events and new courses that we’re hosting. So join us after the show at creative mind method on Facebook. See you there. So what is the purpose of love? If it’s not to meet someone you’re compatible with and sexual the attracted to, uh, maybe have some babies, have a, have a companion for life. What is the purpose of love beyond all that?

Yeah. It is a spiritual path essentially. Because what it’s leading us to, uh, let’s say we, when we get to the higher levels, higher stages of that emotional bonding, what it’s telling us is to let go of our ego. And that is a, it’s the essence of almost all spiritual traditions that you need to let go of that ego self.

Are we safe to say that the physical and the mental, our ego and then the spiritualist where we let go of the ego?

Yeah. If you get to that part, meaning if, if you’re doing it right in the sense, if you’re following in the clues, uh, love is leaving for you and you’re paying attention and you’re, you’re evolving because what we’ve seen in, in, especially in American cultures, that the emphasis is on romantic love. Now, there’s nothing wrong with romance. We need it. But if you notice it’s, it’s part of the first stage, the physical stage, that attraction and the actuation. Yeah. And part of a obviously of bonding in, uh, the emotional element of commitment, but a lot of people think that’s what love should be and that’s all there is to it. And that if you can keep that up the rest of your life, you’ll be in a perfect relationship. And people are disappointed because nobody can keep that up. It’s not meant to be a sustained all your life.

And it’s very misleading because most of the time we have chemistry with people that are from our patterns, not from that spiritual place. When I was single, I used to say fee. I would feel filler fee route someone. And so I would go on a date and my friends would say, so did you feel Fluffy Debbie? And I’d say, no, flare off. And then, Ooh, I felt fluffy. And it was kind of my gauge of if I felt that romantic feeling, then it must be leading to something better. And it’s very misleading. And now with that said, I did feel flare free with you, rob. But I think I was coming from the spiritual level that you’re, you’re talking about and I think p u it doesn’t mean that you exclude the physical react, uh, attraction or the mental and emotional, uh, connection. But you’re adding in this extra element, which is actually going to help you have that chemistry with the person that matches your spirit or soul versus your ego.

Yeah, not at all. We don’t want to exclude it. [inaudible] what it actually does is when you have the, the three elements, uh, firing on all cylinders, like we were saying, uh, then that romantic aspect, the physical aspect of emotional commitment aspect, they’re heightened because now it’s not only, uh, that kind of you and me against the world. It’s that that love that we’re sharing is showing us that we’re connected to all the world, to the universe. It’s opening up, uh, uh, that spiritual door for us. And it’s a, it’s a spiritual path essentially. That’s, that’s what it’s meant for us to do at the higher levels.

Well, can I just add one more thing about that is that I think that when we’re on the physical and emotional level, it feels as though we’re connected to that other person, but we’re really feeling more of a projection. But when we’re in the spiritual level and we add that third element, we have a really a deeper connection. The other day, just so for an example, I had a dream and I woke up the next day and I told you about my dream and actually the images and the dream were something you were reading or looking at the night before that didn’t see. So we were connected on such a deeper level. And that’s really the kind of bond you want to have with someone where you’re really, uh, on a unconscious spiritual level. It really aligned in a, in a very powerful way. And when you’re in physical attraction, that person can come and go. The Romantic, they can come and go. But that’s spiritual. It has that really, you’re acknowledging that you’re not only connected to them, but you’re connected to everything in the universe. And that’s such a, it’s like a universal love.

Yeah. Yeah. So it boils down to this, that the individuals in the relationship have to do their own personal work, their personal development. If they really want to have that full experience of love. In other words, we can’t expect the other person to bring it for us. You know, I can’t expect you to, uh, let’s say bring the emotion or you feel the emotion in the relationship. And I’m just going to hope back and guard my myself, my heart, keep my, keep myself shut down. No, you, you know, you have to be willing to risk and open your heart up to each other. Uh, if you really want that, you know, you can’t expect the other person to just fulfill it for you.

I mean, on the same token, I see a lot of people, uh, not they’re doing their own spiritual work, but they’re not, they’re not really asking their partner to do any, or they’re, they’re their partners not growing with them. And they, you know, the PR, their partner’s not taking their own responsibility. So the flip side of that is that they’re growing and then their partners not, and that causes a disconnection. Eventually you’re going to either outgrow them or realize that they weren’t, you know, they’re not there for the ride. So both parties need to be, oh, okay. Work on themselves, open up and be on a spiritual journey together.

Yeah, I see that mainly when people have been together for a while and then one of them decides to grow their, or seek out something more and that, that creates that mismatch. But before you meet people to the level that you develop yourself, that’s kind of what you’re going to experience and that’s what you’re gonna be attracted to and that’s what you’re going to attract into your life.

So if someone attracts someone, like I’ve worked with clients that have told me, you know, they’re growing and they’re learning and then they meet someone they’re really attracted to, but that person isn’t doing any personal development. They’re trying to get them to read books or listen to Debbie and Rob’s podcast and, and so what would you say? It’s just means that, that they’re one step ahead of their partner and that, and that is that for me, I always see it’s like an old pattern. They’re more their egos more attracted to them than their spirit.

It depends on what level they, they are yet in their spiritual growth. It can mean that, uh, that partner is showing them an aspect of their own blindness, their own resistance to spiritual growth and personal growth. Yeah. Responsibility. Yeah. Because everything that shows up for us is a reflection of our own mind. Okay. And, and so it’s an opportunity to grow instead of seeing them as well, that person’s not interested in personal development. I’m just gonna forget about them and move on. Ask Yourself, what are the triggering me? Why, why does it trigger me that they’re not interested in what I’m interested in? What does that say about me? Are there aspects of me that are like them? In a sense?

It’s very, I mean, we could do a whole a whole show just on this topic because we see a lot of mismatches and we have events and our market is mostly women and mostly women do personal development. And you know, in public, I think there’s men that do it too, but they, they’re not, they don’t usually go to the WIC workshops like women do. And, um, and I think a lot of women tell where all the guys and what if I grow and I outgrow and there’s no men out there that can match you and I, we always say that you’re always going to find the person that reflects you. So to trust that if that you don’t have to basically settle for someone who isn’t growing and spiritual because you will match up with someone else that is. So don’t be afraid to walk away. It don’t settle and lower yourself and stagnate your own growth just to be in a ego relationship. So, uh, so how do we get that spiritual level? What would be a way for someone to access a spiritual level in a, you know, kind of opening that part up because if they have a physical attraction with someone, they, they’re feeling that chemistry, that connection, psychological compatibility. Uh, what would be, how would we bring in the spiritual element?

PersonalDevelopment, Eh, I mean, the way we define it, it’s simply looking inward. It’s, it’s examining our own mind and trying to understand why have I created the situations that I’ve created and understanding that you are the source that’s a, that’s a very hard thing for a lot of human beings to accept that they are the source of their life, that they are creating their life. And now we’re not saying you consciously, like when you have troubles that you consciously set about to create troubles for yourself, but the way you react to them, that’s your mind. That’s your responsibility. It’s your job to accept whatever comes up as an aspect of your life and to embrace it in a sense and welcome it in and ask yourself, what is this showing me about my own mind?

It’s almost what you’re describing sounds like you’re bringing in the awareness of yourself versus just blindly being pulled in by your conditioning. You’re taking it a step back in word and saying, why am I doing this? Why am I compelled to do this? Why did I attract this person and asking yourself those questions. I also think there is an element of the whole, we all say it in Yoga, but a lot of people don’t really realize what Nama stay means is the divine in me acknowledges the divine in you is to start seeing everyone that you meet from your spirit to their spirit, that beyond the physical, beyond their conditioning, maybe they they’re afraid of commitment or they have issues. To see that beyond all that there’s a spirit in them just like there is in you and that’s where all human beings, if we can all look at each other from that place, not from the surface, we could start really feeling closer to everyone and really acknowledging that connection.

Yeah. N relationships are really the ultimate platform for personal development because the way you react to this person in your life and the way you judged them in the way you, uh, open up your heart and to the level that you’re compassionate towards them, that is what you’re doing to yourself. Hmm. Right. If you’re angry, if you’re judgmental, you’re going to be angry and judgmental towards yourself. That’s really what it’s showing you. And so it’s an opportunity to see in this external situation with this other person where your mind is at and where your heart is at.

And if you’re in ego or you’re connected to the deeper spiritual self in you and it bring it, you said, it’s so wonderfully. It does. The Romantic love is the closest pretty much to anyone can be to you. I mean, even more than a child because you’re basically in each other’s bodies. I mean, you’re connecting on the deepest level physically than anyone can be. And then emotionally, it’s just a different type of relationship. So it has such a powerful emotional and sensual experience that it really wakes up, um, deeper parts of ourselves that in other relationships won’t be woken up. So that’s why we really should, uh, if you want to find love or if you’re hesitant to find love, but you want to live a spiritual life, we recommend finding the love of your life. Go on that search date, experience other people, get into relationships because that is the true path to finding who you really are.

And if you’re afraid of getting your heartbroken, you’ll never find love.

It’s essentially part of the deal, yes. That you have to risk a breaking your heart. And the process, like a Rumi says, the whaling of broken hearts is the pathway to God. Eat essentially opens a door for that limitless spiritual experience that we call higher love, Eh, but if you’re not willing to risk that connectedness and that vulnerability, you’ll never get there. And most people, just to review, most people will live on the physical or the mental level with love and very few get to that spiritual level. And, but that’s what we’re made for. That’s rarely what they call soulmate, is that, that kind of soulful, spiritual love that we all that’s possible for us. And that’s really what will last throughout all the fluctuations of physical attractiveness and aging and men, uh, you know, fights and emotional things that come up in life and disagreements that if there’s a spiritual connection that are acknowledged by both people, it’s a bond that can never break. And that’s really what we truly want to create in relationship. So I want to do a just a quick exercise and I want you to just take an assessment on what level of love have you experienced.

And if you’re in a relationship now or like someone are attracted to someone wet level, how far did you go? How far are you on level one, level two, level three. And really what stops you from that spiritual level? What notice the physical attraction, why you’re attracted to them physically. Ask yourself why psychologically you’re attracted to this person with their, their faults and their, their gifts that you see in them. That the, the things that you love about them and the things that maybe you want to change about them, what does that reflect about you? And then can you see beyond all that, that there is a light of spirit within them that’s unchangeable and movable, that solid and pure, um, even someone who broke your heart to see that part in someone else. And can you see that in yourself? So I want you to really believe that you can find the spiritual love and habit in your life and go for it and see you next time. All right? Take care.